Captivated.

Six years ago I bought the book and guided journal, “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldredge. I still have yet to finish the book. I read a couple chapters here and there and then pick up something else. It never fails that I always pick it up right when the season in my life links up with the chapter that my bookmark is on.

My heart is very hurt this year. A lot of drama going on in my family, and as there is drama in every family, this drama personally tugs on my heart. So this week when I picked up “Captivating” again, I had an attitude. This author tells me that Jesus is my bridegroom. That was so hard for me to grasp onto.

In the guided journal it reads,

“You are meant to fill a place in the heart of God no one and nothing else can fill. He longs for you. You are the one that overwhelms his heart with just one glance of your eyes (Song 4:9b). You are the one he sings over with delight and longs to dance with across mountain tops and ballroom floors (Zeph. 3:17). You are the one who takes his breath away by your beautiful heart that, against all odds, hopes in him. Let that be true for a moment. Let it be true of you.”
-Captivating: A Guided Journal pg. 133
I became very overwhelmed by this paragraph. God wants me? I fill a part of him that no one else can ever fill? How can that be? God do you realize how many people are on this earth? How many people have been on the earth? How many people are not yet here on this earth? This is in the bible, and all these people have the same access to these same words.

I started asking God, “to be a woman and have your deepest desire to be wanted, needed, and loved, its crazy to think the King of Kings wants me. And just I just think he wants everyone, I'm not the only one. Watching what is going on with my parents its so frustrating to see that my mom is not the only one. So how does this make me feel that I am not the only one? I'm jealous of all the other children of God. Is this the part where God becomes the father? He loves us all like a dad, but loves us individually like a bridegroom?”

Continuing to dig into this chapter I come to learn that from the beginning of my life Jesus has been romancing me. He placed my favorite flower in front of my eyes when I needed a smile. He sent birds to sing to me as my alarm in elementary school. He placed promises in my heart for when I felt so alone and sad. So many little gifts that he only gave to me. He let the wind blow through my hair in the car and allow me to smile at the simple treasures in life that make my life so much greater. These little gifts along with others show how they were personalized to me and how he seeks out the desires of my heart.

This was such a simple lesson to me. Not so deep to move mountains, but really impacting to realize, and for the first time understand, that God is my bridegroom. He gives me kisses through his simple gifts to me. He paid the ultimate sacrifice for me, he was humiliated in front of so many people for me, and he died on the cross for me. This shows me that he is faithful and longs to be in a one-on-one relationship with me. He is not man that will cheat, lie, and manipulate. He is the most consistent relationship a woman can have, and he knows exactly how to make her feel like the only girl in the world.

A couple pages later I was no longer jealous of all the other women in the world. I felt a love for them. I want them to feel how I feel. I want them to know that they are captivating and beautiful and the perfect Man is right there in front of them. Every woman deserves to be longed for and wanted. Every woman should feel giddy, important and desired. Well my sisters, you are! You impact the King of Kings. You matter! Your life has purpose and weight, and Jesus wants you to receive his personal gifts from him. Only gifts that you can receive. I will never get the gifts that Gods sends to you. He wants to be silly with you and dance passionately across the mountain tops with YOU.

We have an awesome bridegroom.

xoxo

Plate Smashing.

You know the tradition of plate smashing? It is very common in the history of Greek culture. If you look up plate smashing on google many different traditions pop up. From good luck for a newly wed couple to smashing plates into a fire pit after a banquet so dishes do not have to be done. Some cultures have used plate smashing to deal with mourning the loss. Plate smashing can demonstrate getting frustration out, sometimes it sounds good to just break something in the moment of frustration or anger. It can be used as a tool to understand someone else's life. I have written all my hopes and dreams on a plate at a work meeting before and then was told to go outside and throw it against a brick wall and watch it shatter. Watch all my hopes and dreams shatter. That was a tool to understand what the families that I was working with were going through. Plate smashing can be used to overcome something, writing on a plate some feelings or a situation and then watching it shatter can really help overcome that situation.

I really like smashing plates. I am a very visual person, so seeing something physically shatter means something to me.

Although lately I feel like the plate. I feel like I have been thrown at a brick wall. I feel shattered. I feel like I am laying on hot cement in many pieces. I have been broken. I have been hurt. I have been crushed.

Man threw me at the wall. Human.

Oh wait one of my bigger pieces that didn’t break into many pieces is being picked up. Does this mean that I am going to get put back together as best as possible, oh NO! I just got thrown at the wall again. There is no big pieces left. I am completely shattered by a brick wall.

That brick wall is Man. Human.

I am on the burning cement just crying out. Crying so much pain and so much hurt. I ache. My whole body is in pain, broken on the ground.

Oh ouch, I just got stepped on. Awesome. Thank you for that!

Man just stepped on me. Human.

Didn’t you see me here? Didn’t you human see that I have been crushed and shattered on this cement. Did you notice that its summer time? So not only am I in pain and completely broken, I am really hot, and am burning up from the sun. The sun is taking all my energy out. I am tired, I am drained, and I am hurt. Didn’t you see me here? Because if you did and stepped on me anyway, that was super rude! I would really love it if you picked me up! Then at least I would just be broken and maybe not as exhausted from the heat of the sun.

Why am I asking Man for help? Why am I thinking a human can put me back together? Why am I surprised that Man hurt me? Completely shattered my feelings and left me there with not so much as an “I am sorry”.

Why am I not looking to Jesus for help and instead am asking Man for help? What can Man do for me? I need Jesus. I need his healing and his encouragement. I need to share my heart with him and be completely vulnerable with him. I need to run to his arms for comfort.

I have found comfort in his word,
“So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”
-Deuteronomy 31:6He goes ahead of me. He knows what is going to happen before I do, and He will never fail me and He will never abandon me. I am not alone, He is with me. I do not have to be afraid. He will carry me and give me his strength when I have no strength of my own. He can pick me up off the burning cement when I don’t have the strength to get up on my own. I am not alone.

I just want to end with a prayer for anyone who has every felt like a shattered plate before. Anyone who has been hurt by Man.

Lord, I pray for everyone who reads this and feels like a shattered plate. I pray that as they lay there so hurt and broken that they look up to you and call out to you. I pray that they feel your love and are captivated by your understanding for what they are going through. For you understand pain. You were betrayed by Man and you were physically beaten and killed by Man. You understand the brokenness that Man can do to one another.

Lord, you empower us with your strength for Psalms 18: 32-35 says,

“God arms me with strength, and he makes my way perfect. He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain heights. He trains my hands for battle; he strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow. You have given me your shield of victory. Your right hand supports me; your help has made me great.”

In this time when we feel so weak and so broken, remind us of your strength and how you give us your strength. We can do all things in you! We can get up off this hot cement, broken and weak in Your name! Thank you for your love. Thank you for your strength. Thank you for hearing my cry. Continue to strengthen us in this hurt time we are in. We may not understand why we are in this broken season. We may not understand the beauty from ashes you will bring from this. Although we may not see these things, let us see You and Your glory. Let us feel your love and your understanding for our pain. We love you Jesus!
Amen.
Mended by Angie Smith is a great book for anyone that needs some extra encouragement to know you are not alone and not the only one who has felt broken.

xoxo

Lent.

Ash Wednesday.

Lent as I know is the forty days leading up to Easter Day. It starts on a Wednesday which is observed as Ash Wednesday. The purpose of Lent is to posture yourself in acts of prayer and repentance of sins as you acknowledge the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. To posture yourself for prayer and repentance, many Christians fast for the forty days. This fasting is to be able to make more time to reflect on Jesus. Reflect on his suffering, sacrifice, his crucifixion and his resurrection.

I have personally never participated in Lent before. I have fasted for a few days here and there in the past for different reasons in the season of life I was in, but I have never sat aside time before Easter to really reflect on Jesus and all that he did for me.

This year my friend Sheila brought it up. I looked into Lent and read about what it truly meant. I am about to become a mom to a beautiful baby boy! I haven’t seen him yet, but every little one of his hiccups I feel inside me makes me picture how beautiful he already is and is going to be. My due date is in 56 days. I have this countdown in three different places in my house to remind me that the exciting time of meeting him is coming soon! When I was looking into Lent I saw that it is 40 days. This stirred in my heart a different countdown. Thousands of years ago Jesus’ countdown to his death was in 40 days! What would it be like to know you only have 40 days before one of your best friends that you walk life with every day betrays you and then you have to go through one of the slowest and most painful executions there is? I am counting down to an exciting day, that will have pain involved, but nothing like a crucifixion!

So with my personal countdown and the countdown to Easter (Lent) being so close in numbers I was really drawn to participate this year in setting extra time aside to acknowledge these last 40 days of my King’s life, and really thank him for the huge sacrifice he laid down for me.

I am doing Lent with three of my best friends, and my Husband is also going to do it. I committed to giving up social media before 6pm. That gives me all day to posture myself in prayer and repentance. To really listen and take in everything Jesus did for me thousands of years ago. And then after 6pm I can still post pictures of my pregnant belly for my friends and family to see.

I hope to really grow in this season of Lent. To really take in his heartbreaking story and gain thankfulness. I hope to write more about what I gain insight on during this time and share with you. I am really excited about this time!

Are you going to do Lent? It started today, but you can still be a part of it! What are you fasting? What do you hope to gain in this season leading up to Easter Sunday?

xoxo

Ellen.

Ellen DeGeneres.

The past couple months I have been watching Ellen almost every day. There is something so captivating about her. Her laugh, her energy, her sense of humor, and her love for other people.

I found myself super defensive of her when I heard about some followers of Christ making a disgusted noise when she came up in a conversation. Today I have been so passionate about asking Jesus why I feel so strongly about this defensive feeling I have for Ellen. I am determined to seek his heart and his understanding in why I have this burning in me to fight for Ellen.

Ellen lives a life that I don’t agree with because it doesn't agree with what Jesus teaches in the bible.
Matthew 19: 4-6
“‘Haven’t you read the Scriptures?’ Jesus replied. ‘They record that from the beginning God made them male and female. And he said, This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.’”
1 Corinthians 6: 9
“Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don't fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality,”
1 Timothy 1:10
“The law is for people who are sexually immoral, or who practice homosexuality, or are slave traders, liars, promise breakers, or who do anything else that contradicts the wholesome teaching”

Although I personally do not support this type of living situation because of what Jesus says about it, does that mean that I shouldn’t love her?
Matthew 19:19
“Honor your father and mother. Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Matthew 22: 39
“And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
Romans 13: 9-10
“The commandments, ‘Do not commit adultery,’ ‘Do not murder,’ ‘Do not steal,’ Do not covet,’ and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.”

Jesus gave us all talents to use here on earth. Some of us have great talents and some of us have smaller talents. In Matthew 25: 15 it says,
“To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability, Then he went on his journey.”
We use our God given talents to glorify God and to show his goodness and love.

Jesus gave Ellen a talent to make others laugh so unbelievably hard! Jesus gave her a heart to give and love on others. Jesus loves her! Jesus calls his people to love their brothers and sisters. Should we as followers of Jesus speak negative words about her just because her sin is different than ours? No.

I think our church body is doing a better job in teaching the people of God to love others unconditionally. But I think that there is still a massive need for Christians to love others under any situation no matter how they live their life.

See Ellen loves people so well. She constantly uses her talents, that God gave her, to make a living for herself, and the money that she makes she returns to the poor and the broken and the hurt. So many stories of people getting blessed by Ellen. She loves on all these people unconditionally and I think thats why people are so drawn to her.

Although I believe what the bible says about homosexuality, I think as a people of God we can learn from Ellen. How many of us just walk by the person that is so broken and just wants to be heard out and given a hug? How many of us just bless each other and stick in our own bubbles instead of really looking at what hurt strangers need? Ellen has the opportunity to bless people all over, and she grabs it at every chance she gets. If we as the body of Christ were to be more like that then don’t you think that more people would be drawn to us which in turn is drawn towards Jesus?

I see so many people being pushed away and shut down because they find out that the person they are talking to is a Christian. For a while I didn’t want to say I was a Christian, I just wanted to say that I was a follower of Jesus. Why are people so pushed away from the title of a Christian? Why do people back away and shut down once they find out they are talking to someone that is a Christian? Is it because they feel like they will be judged? Or told that they need to straiten their life out? Or is it because they feel ashamed in their life and don't want to feel more guilt and sadness by the choices that they have made?

Whats so interesting is that we as Christians are not here to judge them. God is our only judge.
Romans 14: 10-14
“You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God’s judgement seat. It is written:
‘As surely as I live, says the Lord,
every knee will bow before me;
every tongue will confess to God.’
So then, each of us will give an account to himself to God. Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling black or obstacle in your brother’s way.”
Psalm 76:9
“When you, O God, rose up to judge, to save all the afflicted of the land.”
Psalm 82: 8
“Rise up, O God, judge the earth, for all the nations are your inheritance.”
Romans 2:2
“We know that God is right to judge everyone who behaves in his way.”
Psalm 7:11
“God is a righteous judge, a God who expresses his wrath every day.”

We are sent here to love them and share the good news. Not look down on others and say, “oh man did you ever screw up!” Thats not our job! It’s not our place because we have all sinned in some way. That’s where we get to share, “hey I have really messed up too, and the good news of Jesus Christ is that we are forgiven and set free from all of that shame and brokenness! You don't have to feel that pain anymore. You don't have to feel like people are judging you or looking down on you because its not your problem to carry anymore. Jesus took your problem and nailed it to the cross. You have been set free!”

I am the fist to say that I need to work on everything I am writing about. I am not perfect. I sin everyday! But I would love to work on loving people greater and be a light that people are drawn too because of the love I share, just like the love that Ellen shares. But instead of how people are drawn to Ellen, when I love they will be drawn to Jesus and his goodness and faithfulness.

I am still seeking this topic out with Jesus. I have so many more questions and thoughts about this topic that is growing so great in our society. I just thought I would share what I am seeking out!

Real Talk Tuesday.

One of the many women I look up to moved to Colorado when I moved to Walnut Creek. I miss her so much, and through her I read about, “real talk Tuesday”. She explains all about it in her blog: www.sothankful4.blogspot.com Which you should just go read because her writing is so amazing and she is hilarious. But I have a lot on my heart and wanted to get some of it off my chest. So here I go with my real talk!

I’ve been told by two different people, “it would be easier if my parents decided to divorce and move on.” Now both of those people have lost their fathers in two completely different ways and their mothers were moving on into new relationships. What is so interesting to me about their statement is that I completely disagree. (Although I disagree I have no idea the pain that these two people feel with their dads being dead, and I do take what they say and how they feel seriously.)

When I was eight years old, I was told in a green mini van that my dad was having an affair. That’s interesting to me, considering I was trying to learn what an affair was rather than thinking about how awful and confusing my life was about to become. As I quickly came to learn what an affair was, I quickly became very hurt. See my dad was choosing to move on and leave his family behind. Where he did not die, my mom was not widowed and then found someone to move on with, my dad was choosing to move on. So why exactly wasn’t I good enough to stick around for? What made me at eight years old so awful that I was being left? I was being abandoned by choice.

I was told to keep it a secret and protect my brothers so that they wouldn’t find out. Then we were shipped off to my grandparents and my parents worked out their marriage and ended up sticking together.

Now I am growing up. Every year, going through each season. Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall. Every day each year I held a secret that my dad left me and I wasn’t good enough.

Sixteen years I kept this to myself. My friends knew. They were all I had. My parents didn’t talk to me about it. My grandparents didn’t talk to me about it. My brothers weren’t supposed to know. So I had my friends. I would cry to them and talk to them about it. Sixteen years. Sixteen years I suffered alone in my family. I disrespected my dad a lot growing up because I did disrespect him. He left me. He didn’t love me. And if he did love me, then why wasn’t he talking to me about what he did? Why didn’t he ever say sorry?

I am now 24 years old. New years eve of 2014 I get a phone call from my mom telling me that my world is shattering again, and my dad is packing his stuff to leave after being caught in another affair. FINALLY! FINALLY I can say something. FINALLY I don't have to keep a secret and can tell people that this isn't new to me!

I need to process this out.
I need to write. Writing is where I can get my thoughts out the best.
I need to heal.
I need to forgive.

See I am just a kid!
I may be twenty-four, married, and pregnant with my first child, but I am still a kid!

I was hurt by the ones that were sent here to protect me. The ones that were supposed to take care of me and love me. Where every time I heard, “I love you” all I thought was, “yeah right, you can shut up now!” I am not supposed to be a victim of my parents. I am supposed to be loved and cherished and cared for and protected by my parents from evil and hurt. Instead I had the opposite done to me. I was hurt. By them. So for me to wrap my mind around what has happened is utterly impossible because I am not supposed to understand this hurt. This shouldn't happen. I am kid. I should hear from my parents and be told from them that they are proud of me and love me. That they really love me. And their actions would speak louder than their words. I am a kid. No matter how old I am, I am still a kid of my parents. And the fact that my parents are not together, with each other is painful and hard and heartbreaking.

I was told a few years ago about this couple who decided to get a divorce. They had two children and there was an affair involved. Someone told me about this family, and how they haven’t seen the children “more happy”. Well I knew those children. And that is the largest lie that I ever heard. No child is going to be happy that their parents chose to live with someone else. A kid wants their family to be whole. To be loving. To be safe. Not broken. I just laughed inside to not disrespect the person telling me this, but really? Are you seeing the same two broken kids that I am? Or do I just know what it’s like to be them? The only difference is that when I was their age my parents worked their marriage out and kept everything a secret. Where these two children went threw the whole divorce in public. Their parents being judged and talked about. But I still felt their brokenness.

Psalm 18:1-2

“I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

So I don’t have to carry this. I don’t have to be strong. I can be weak.
I am so weak.
I am so confused.
I am so hurt.
I feel disgusted.
I feel abandoned.

I can know so many characteristics about my LORD and who he is in my life, but my heart still hurts and I don’t understand why any of this is happening, again.

I am healing.
I know I am because I am hurting and I am feeling.
It sucks.
I don’t understand why I have to even heal from this topic.

I feel like FINALLY I can have some closure over the last sixteen years. I FINALLY can really heal, because Jesus and my friends know how much I have wanted to move past all the secrets and lies and hurt. I can FINALLY have all this because I don’t have to keep a secret anymore. Although I can FINALLY have closure and healing, I am so terribly hurt and broken.

Side note on all of my hurt: Please pray for my parents. I don't know what the outcome is going to be of this. My mom is really diving into Jesus to seek his wisdom and guidance. I don't know whats going on in my dads heart. Maybe this marriage of 26 years will end, or maybe God will bring beauty out of these ashes. But they need prayer as much as I do. And prayer for my two younger brothers. I love my family and will defend them in any situation, but we are broken and need prayer of comfort and strength. And if Jesus wants to answer some of my questions for him, those would be welcome too!

11-11-11

Who knew that this date is already here? I feel like it is important for me to share the meaning behind this date before so many of you witness my marriage on this date.

When I was growing up I was fascinated with numbers and patterns of numbers.

To fall asleep I would look at the clock with the big red numbers on them and find patterns on how they all meant something together. I would do some sort of math or find an equation that equaled to how the numbers had meaning. My favorite time was always 11:11. I would stay up just to see this time on the clock because it always made me smile. It was simple. Just four 1’s all next to each other. It was unique. No other time could have four of the same numbers next to each other. It was the only one. So I always translated that to characteristics in myself as simple and unique.

As I grew up I heard the phrase, “11:11 make a wish” and I always would.

The fact that I got to make a wish just made me love the time 11:11 that much more.

I don’t remember how old I was when I realized that one day I would get to live when the date was 11-11-11. I even calculated that I would be 22 years old, which if you divide by 2 is 11. (I find so many patterns lol). When I realized all of this I ran into tell my mom that I was going to get married on this date and I would be old enough to get married. She just laughed and said okay! Haha little did she know that this was actually going to be true.

In high school I told my best friends that I was going to get married on 11-11-11 and who knows what they thought, I didn’t even know my husband yet! I was so sure of this date though!

Many of you know the scare that Caleb and I went through in 2010. I haven’t ever had the courage to write about this time yet, but I know for sure that April 2010 was the worst month of my life so far! I almost lost Caleb. I remember yelling at God and crying so hard. I remember asking God to kill me instead. I remember questioning why God would ever hurt me so bad when I had tried to live a life of pure responsibility and love. Then I looked at my phone and the time was 11:11. I started crying so hard I couldn’t breath. I had been so sure growing up that I would get married on 11-11-11, and I was facing losing the man that I was going to marry. It did not make since to me. I was so broken by this. (I am even crying just thinking of this time).

Maybe one day ill have the courage to be vulnerable about my experience in spring 2010, but not today lol. The end story is God healed Caleb. Caleb found out my obsession with 11-11-11 and four months after he was healed he asked me to marry him. We had a year to plan the wedding of our dreams and get married on 11-11-11. The excitement in this time was amazing. Not only was Caleb alive and healed, I was able to have the chance to marry him on the day of my dreams!

I'm so excited to marry my best friend in five days. I remember years ago thinking how exciting the day 11-11-11 is going to be, and time has flown to get here. When I was in San Francisco and I wasn’t family, and I wasn’t Caleb’s wife, I felt out of place. I remember the bathroom was my safe zone because I could cry as hard as I needed and no one would hear me. I remember wishing every 11:11 that Caleb would be healed or I would die instead.

In five days I don’t only get to marry my best friend. I not only get to marry the man of my dreams. I not only get to marry the man that God created for me. I get to marry a man that I deeply love and cherish every moment that God has given us. It’s a miracle that Caleb is alive and I get to marry him. How lucky and blessed am I? No other person will ever know Caleb the way I get to. No other person will ever get to share life with Caleb like I get too! No other person will ever get to marry Caleb!

The scare I had to go through only makes this Friday night mean so much more to me than a wedding. I have the chance to experience marriage with Caleb, which a year and a half ago I didn’t think that was possible.

11:11 I found identity in myself as simple and unique, 11:11 I got to wish for a wedding day when I was little, 11:11 I got to wish for a husband, 11:11 I got to wish for healing for Caleb, 11:11 I got to wish for hope for the future, and 11-11-11 I get to marry the man that God has blessed my life with and has made my childhood dreams come true!

X0X0 Kymberly

.themes.

I have found that Lancers Starbucks is where I can come up with so many new ideas. Lancers Starbucks makes listen and gives me the chance to write about what is going on in my heart. And before I had this time to sit at Starbucks I was not able to understand why I feel so disconnected to myself.

See I have a top five list of personality themes (that I got from taking a test online in one of my college courses. They explain talents that you hold and describe why you are the way you are. I highly recommend it!). My first theme is belief. This is where I base my life on my morals and values and belief system. A part of belief is knowing that what I do in life is more important than how much money I make in life. But no one really understands that around me. I feel like an outcast when I am asked, “Kymberly what do you want to do after college?” so when I tell them that my dream is to open a safe house for girls that have just came out of sex trafficking they then ask, “oh so how much money will you get for doing that”. Want my honest answer? Who cares! I have the dream to save lives and you ask how much money will I get? Why is money in there? Why does money matter if lives are saved? If you cannot tell this subject of money in comparison to saved lives makes me have a rage attack. I would give all of my money, all my shoes, to get one girl out of being rapped fifty times a day, put on drugs, and told she would never see her family again. I would give my laptop, my cell phone (and my friends know that my cell phone and laptop are my babies), and all my jeans and OTH season collections to make one girl feel valued, feel self-worth, and feel loved. You cannot put a price on that. That’s where my belief theme comes in, my dreams are more important than money.

I feel misunderstood and that bugs me because another one of my five themes is communication and I love to be understood. This world is so wrapped up in money, which they forget that some people do not dream about money and the next car or next television. Some people dream about the hearts and safety of others. This leads to a miscommunication between different personalities and leads to miscommunication between different generations. Each parent wants only for their child to have a better life than they did. In my parent’s generation, money was used to have that better life. This is where the miscommunication comes in, because that is want is wanted for me (money and a better life with money), but that is not what I want. And from their point of view and their generation and how they grew up, they do not understand why I would not want to work hard to gain more money and a better life. That is just not my idea of a perfect life. Saving at least one life, is more fulfilling and gaining than any dollar will ever give me.

I can go on to a rant about this, but I'm going to move into a different theme that I have that is related to the above. This theme is called achiever. I am an achiever. My soon to be husband was put into the hospital and told he was supposed to be dead. After four brain surgeries he was told he would never walk again. In this high stress situation I started a 16-month program to finish my BA degree. I was also taking on 40 hours of work on each week. Those are qualities of an achiever. My high work ethic and internal drive to get the job done, gives me the theme achiever. After he was able to walk again, we got engaged and while I was working 40 hours a week, and had 24 units of college classes, I also then started planning the wedding of my dreams. Taking all this on, I was told I was crazy. In orientation for school they told me that I needed to take a lot of my plate, but instead I added to my plate. I was a busy girl.

People forget that I did slow down. I got looked down upon when I did. I took a break from school in the spring of 2010. I prayed a lot about it and God told me to not go to school and quit one of my two jobs. So I did. And I do not remember one person telling me that they trusted what I was doing. Instead I got, “your not going to school? How are you going to get a good job?” “How are you going to succeed in life?” “You are just taking the easy way out.” Well isn’t interesting that in the spring of 2010 Caleb had four brain surgeries in San Francisco and if it wasn’t for God telling me to slow down, I would not have been able to take leave from one job and miss finals if I were in school to be with him every minute of every day until my 16-month program started (which was the day he came home). That for me was a horrible time, but I was able to prove everyone wrong that second-guessed me and was able to not worry about missing school or work. Thanks but I will listen to God over you.

Now I slow down again and I feel looked down on for it. I quit my job, because let me tell you, no one should have to go through what I did. I quit my job because it was not giving me anything; it was just taking everything from me. But who really cares about that right? I am not working as much now so I am lazy, and stupid for leaving a job that would give me that many hours and that much of an hourly wage. That is just stupid of me. But why do I care about what those people think? It is really disconnecting me from myself. I am losing my faith and trust because I am listening to what people who do not understand me think. That is not fair to my self.

Achiever adds to their plate. Achiever gets told that they will not be able to do it. I was told when I moved out of my parent’s house that I would not be able to do it. I was told that I would move right back because the world is too big for me. I was told when I took on 24 units a semester for two semesters and 40 hours a week for three years and a wedding to plan in a year, that I would fail. I was told so many discouraging statements, and what is sad is I thought those where the people that was closest to my heart. The best thing I ever did was proving them wrong in action. I never said anything; I just worked very hard and proved them all wrong. What now?! With all the stress on my plate and everything I have been through, I am .01 away from graduating with honors and I hope I make that mark so I can shove it in there face by sending them a graduation picture of me with a cap, gown, and yellow rope (honors) around my neck. I know I can do it. I know I have the drive and power from God to do anything I want to do and the power to take anything on. I'm not dumb.

In everything I just said, why does it matter if I slow down for two months? Cant I just take two months to rest and listen to God. I have been given the opportunity so why not jump on it? If I were still living on my own I would still be working to survive for myself. But instead God saw my hard work and said that my reward is to rest. But I feel so guilty for doing that. And I hear friends of mine say, “oh she doesn’t do this” “and blah blah does not even work 10 hours” “you don’t have the luxury to just sit around”. Those words hurt me and they aren’t even to me. I feel guilty for taking a period of rest and living life. Can’t I do that? Can’t I just have a day off and go do something spontaneous? Nope. I get those negative, discouraging comments so I feel guilty for even leaving the house. That’s not fair to me. Why am I listening the them, when I have complete miscommunication with them in the first place? They are discouraging when I am adding to my plate and when I take off my plate. No matter what I do, they are not going to be happy with me. And why does it matter if they are happy with me, they have their own life to live, why are they so into mine in a negative way?

By me writing this, from the Lancers Starbucks, I am declaring that I do not care about what those people have to say. From the day my brother was born, I was put on a pedestal (mainly by myself) to live my life perfectly, so that he would have a good example to look up to. Then my second brother was born, then seven cousins. After years of trying to be perfect, and as my favorite person says, “never putting [my] hair down” I realized that that is not my job. Those kids do not look up to me, they look up to the ones who are raising them and I'm not their parent. If they look up to me, then I want them to see life and honesty and I want them to know they are great from their own personal five themes not mine. I want them to know that they have God in them. I want to show them his heart, and God did not create life so that we could waist it making money and seeing who has the best outfit or car. God created life for us to live it for his glory. I want them to know that it doesn’t matter what they grow up to do, as long as they love it and they love Jesus while they do it. I want them to know that I am here for them every second and I pray they grow into men and women of God. And I pray that God uses them in their dreams. I pray the world does not get to them, and that whatever they are passionate about, they will succeed in the most. I pray that the people they feel close to, never discourage them from their dreams.

I love my brothers more than any other person on this world. I would jump in front of a train for them over a close friend. They are why I got up today. I walk out of my door and I see their doors shut (because they are lazy today and slept till forever) and I know that I have to live my life, not a perfect life, just live my life. They remind me of whom I am. They are the ones that had to deal with me when I was a raging teenager, and they never gave up on me or told me a negative comment. I do not think they have ever said anything negative to me. I know they have behind my back because I was a jerk as a teenager, but they have never doubted me. The two that I thought I had to be perfect for, are the two that show me that being imperfect is being perfect.

Lancers Starbucks today, let me tell you, just brought a lot to my attention and I am so grateful God made coffee beans! Live your dreams, and do not let anyone discourage you. Just look around, the people that you over look may be the people that are there to encourage you. The people I went to for encouragement are the ones that discouraged me and put doubt into my life, but my brothers, who I over looked, have encouraged me since I was two.