I have found that Lancers Starbucks is where I can come up with so many new ideas. Lancers Starbucks makes listen and gives me the chance to write about what is going on in my heart. And before I had this time to sit at Starbucks I was not able to understand why I feel so disconnected to myself.
See I have a top five list of personality themes (that I got from taking a test online in one of my college courses. They explain talents that you hold and describe why you are the way you are. I highly recommend it!). My first theme is belief. This is where I base my life on my morals and values and belief system. A part of belief is knowing that what I do in life is more important than how much money I make in life. But no one really understands that around me. I feel like an outcast when I am asked, “Kymberly what do you want to do after college?” so when I tell them that my dream is to open a safe house for girls that have just came out of sex trafficking they then ask, “oh so how much money will you get for doing that”. Want my honest answer? Who cares! I have the dream to save lives and you ask how much money will I get? Why is money in there? Why does money matter if lives are saved? If you cannot tell this subject of money in comparison to saved lives makes me have a rage attack. I would give all of my money, all my shoes, to get one girl out of being rapped fifty times a day, put on drugs, and told she would never see her family again. I would give my laptop, my cell phone (and my friends know that my cell phone and laptop are my babies), and all my jeans and OTH season collections to make one girl feel valued, feel self-worth, and feel loved. You cannot put a price on that. That’s where my belief theme comes in, my dreams are more important than money.
I feel misunderstood and that bugs me because another one of my five themes is communication and I love to be understood. This world is so wrapped up in money, which they forget that some people do not dream about money and the next car or next television. Some people dream about the hearts and safety of others. This leads to a miscommunication between different personalities and leads to miscommunication between different generations. Each parent wants only for their child to have a better life than they did. In my parent’s generation, money was used to have that better life. This is where the miscommunication comes in, because that is want is wanted for me (money and a better life with money), but that is not what I want. And from their point of view and their generation and how they grew up, they do not understand why I would not want to work hard to gain more money and a better life. That is just not my idea of a perfect life. Saving at least one life, is more fulfilling and gaining than any dollar will ever give me.
I can go on to a rant about this, but I'm going to move into a different theme that I have that is related to the above. This theme is called achiever. I am an achiever. My soon to be husband was put into the hospital and told he was supposed to be dead. After four brain surgeries he was told he would never walk again. In this high stress situation I started a 16-month program to finish my BA degree. I was also taking on 40 hours of work on each week. Those are qualities of an achiever. My high work ethic and internal drive to get the job done, gives me the theme achiever. After he was able to walk again, we got engaged and while I was working 40 hours a week, and had 24 units of college classes, I also then started planning the wedding of my dreams. Taking all this on, I was told I was crazy. In orientation for school they told me that I needed to take a lot of my plate, but instead I added to my plate. I was a busy girl.
People forget that I did slow down. I got looked down upon when I did. I took a break from school in the spring of 2010. I prayed a lot about it and God told me to not go to school and quit one of my two jobs. So I did. And I do not remember one person telling me that they trusted what I was doing. Instead I got, “your not going to school? How are you going to get a good job?” “How are you going to succeed in life?” “You are just taking the easy way out.” Well isn’t interesting that in the spring of 2010 Caleb had four brain surgeries in San Francisco and if it wasn’t for God telling me to slow down, I would not have been able to take leave from one job and miss finals if I were in school to be with him every minute of every day until my 16-month program started (which was the day he came home). That for me was a horrible time, but I was able to prove everyone wrong that second-guessed me and was able to not worry about missing school or work. Thanks but I will listen to God over you.
Now I slow down again and I feel looked down on for it. I quit my job, because let me tell you, no one should have to go through what I did. I quit my job because it was not giving me anything; it was just taking everything from me. But who really cares about that right? I am not working as much now so I am lazy, and stupid for leaving a job that would give me that many hours and that much of an hourly wage. That is just stupid of me. But why do I care about what those people think? It is really disconnecting me from myself. I am losing my faith and trust because I am listening to what people who do not understand me think. That is not fair to my self.
Achiever adds to their plate. Achiever gets told that they will not be able to do it. I was told when I moved out of my parent’s house that I would not be able to do it. I was told that I would move right back because the world is too big for me. I was told when I took on 24 units a semester for two semesters and 40 hours a week for three years and a wedding to plan in a year, that I would fail. I was told so many discouraging statements, and what is sad is I thought those where the people that was closest to my heart. The best thing I ever did was proving them wrong in action. I never said anything; I just worked very hard and proved them all wrong. What now?! With all the stress on my plate and everything I have been through, I am .01 away from graduating with honors and I hope I make that mark so I can shove it in there face by sending them a graduation picture of me with a cap, gown, and yellow rope (honors) around my neck. I know I can do it. I know I have the drive and power from God to do anything I want to do and the power to take anything on. I'm not dumb.
In everything I just said, why does it matter if I slow down for two months? Cant I just take two months to rest and listen to God. I have been given the opportunity so why not jump on it? If I were still living on my own I would still be working to survive for myself. But instead God saw my hard work and said that my reward is to rest. But I feel so guilty for doing that. And I hear friends of mine say, “oh she doesn’t do this” “and blah blah does not even work 10 hours” “you don’t have the luxury to just sit around”. Those words hurt me and they aren’t even to me. I feel guilty for taking a period of rest and living life. Can’t I do that? Can’t I just have a day off and go do something spontaneous? Nope. I get those negative, discouraging comments so I feel guilty for even leaving the house. That’s not fair to me. Why am I listening the them, when I have complete miscommunication with them in the first place? They are discouraging when I am adding to my plate and when I take off my plate. No matter what I do, they are not going to be happy with me. And why does it matter if they are happy with me, they have their own life to live, why are they so into mine in a negative way?
By me writing this, from the Lancers Starbucks, I am declaring that I do not care about what those people have to say. From the day my brother was born, I was put on a pedestal (mainly by myself) to live my life perfectly, so that he would have a good example to look up to. Then my second brother was born, then seven cousins. After years of trying to be perfect, and as my favorite person says, “never putting [my] hair down” I realized that that is not my job. Those kids do not look up to me, they look up to the ones who are raising them and I'm not their parent. If they look up to me, then I want them to see life and honesty and I want them to know they are great from their own personal five themes not mine. I want them to know that they have God in them. I want to show them his heart, and God did not create life so that we could waist it making money and seeing who has the best outfit or car. God created life for us to live it for his glory. I want them to know that it doesn’t matter what they grow up to do, as long as they love it and they love Jesus while they do it. I want them to know that I am here for them every second and I pray they grow into men and women of God. And I pray that God uses them in their dreams. I pray the world does not get to them, and that whatever they are passionate about, they will succeed in the most. I pray that the people they feel close to, never discourage them from their dreams.
I love my brothers more than any other person on this world. I would jump in front of a train for them over a close friend. They are why I got up today. I walk out of my door and I see their doors shut (because they are lazy today and slept till forever) and I know that I have to live my life, not a perfect life, just live my life. They remind me of whom I am. They are the ones that had to deal with me when I was a raging teenager, and they never gave up on me or told me a negative comment. I do not think they have ever said anything negative to me. I know they have behind my back because I was a jerk as a teenager, but they have never doubted me. The two that I thought I had to be perfect for, are the two that show me that being imperfect is being perfect.
Lancers Starbucks today, let me tell you, just brought a lot to my attention and I am so grateful God made coffee beans! Live your dreams, and do not let anyone discourage you. Just look around, the people that you over look may be the people that are there to encourage you. The people I went to for encouragement are the ones that discouraged me and put doubt into my life, but my brothers, who I over looked, have encouraged me since I was two.
