Friday, February 21, 2014

Ellen.

Ellen DeGeneres.

The past couple months I have been watching Ellen almost every day. There is something so captivating about her. Her laugh, her energy, her sense of humor, and her love for other people.

I found myself super defensive of her when I heard about some followers of Christ making a disgusted noise when she came up in a conversation. Today I have been so passionate about asking Jesus why I feel so strongly about this defensive feeling I have for Ellen. I am determined to seek his heart and his understanding in why I have this burning in me to fight for Ellen.

Ellen lives a life that I don’t agree with because it doesn't agree with what Jesus teaches in the bible.
Matthew 19: 4-6
“‘Haven’t you read the Scriptures?’ Jesus replied. ‘They record that from the beginning God made them male and female. And he said, This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.’”
1 Corinthians 6: 9
“Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don't fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality,”
1 Timothy 1:10
“The law is for people who are sexually immoral, or who practice homosexuality, or are slave traders, liars, promise breakers, or who do anything else that contradicts the wholesome teaching”

Although I personally do not support this type of living situation because of what Jesus says about it, does that mean that I shouldn’t love her?
Matthew 19:19
“Honor your father and mother. Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Matthew 22: 39
“And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
Romans 13: 9-10
“The commandments, ‘Do not commit adultery,’ ‘Do not murder,’ ‘Do not steal,’ Do not covet,’ and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.”

Jesus gave us all talents to use here on earth. Some of us have great talents and some of us have smaller talents. In Matthew 25: 15 it says,
“To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability, Then he went on his journey.”
We use our God given talents to glorify God and to show his goodness and love.

Jesus gave Ellen a talent to make others laugh so unbelievably hard! Jesus gave her a heart to give and love on others. Jesus loves her! Jesus calls his people to love their brothers and sisters. Should we as followers of Jesus speak negative words about her just because her sin is different than ours? No.

I think our church body is doing a better job in teaching the people of God to love others unconditionally. But I think that there is still a massive need for Christians to love others under any situation no matter how they live their life.

See Ellen loves people so well. She constantly uses her talents, that God gave her, to make a living for herself, and the money that she makes she returns to the poor and the broken and the hurt. So many stories of people getting blessed by Ellen. She loves on all these people unconditionally and I think thats why people are so drawn to her.

Although I believe what the bible says about homosexuality, I think as a people of God we can learn from Ellen. How many of us just walk by the person that is so broken and just wants to be heard out and given a hug? How many of us just bless each other and stick in our own bubbles instead of really looking at what hurt strangers need? Ellen has the opportunity to bless people all over, and she grabs it at every chance she gets. If we as the body of Christ were to be more like that then don’t you think that more people would be drawn to us which in turn is drawn towards Jesus?

I see so many people being pushed away and shut down because they find out that the person they are talking to is a Christian. For a while I didn’t want to say I was a Christian, I just wanted to say that I was a follower of Jesus. Why are people so pushed away from the title of a Christian? Why do people back away and shut down once they find out they are talking to someone that is a Christian? Is it because they feel like they will be judged? Or told that they need to straiten their life out? Or is it because they feel ashamed in their life and don't want to feel more guilt and sadness by the choices that they have made?

Whats so interesting is that we as Christians are not here to judge them. God is our only judge.
Romans 14: 10-14
“You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God’s judgement seat. It is written:
‘As surely as I live, says the Lord,
every knee will bow before me;
every tongue will confess to God.’
So then, each of us will give an account to himself to God. Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling black or obstacle in your brother’s way.”
Psalm 76:9
“When you, O God, rose up to judge, to save all the afflicted of the land.”
Psalm 82: 8
“Rise up, O God, judge the earth, for all the nations are your inheritance.”
Romans 2:2
“We know that God is right to judge everyone who behaves in his way.”
Psalm 7:11
“God is a righteous judge, a God who expresses his wrath every day.”

We are sent here to love them and share the good news. Not look down on others and say, “oh man did you ever screw up!” Thats not our job! It’s not our place because we have all sinned in some way. That’s where we get to share, “hey I have really messed up too, and the good news of Jesus Christ is that we are forgiven and set free from all of that shame and brokenness! You don't have to feel that pain anymore. You don't have to feel like people are judging you or looking down on you because its not your problem to carry anymore. Jesus took your problem and nailed it to the cross. You have been set free!”

I am the fist to say that I need to work on everything I am writing about. I am not perfect. I sin everyday! But I would love to work on loving people greater and be a light that people are drawn too because of the love I share, just like the love that Ellen shares. But instead of how people are drawn to Ellen, when I love they will be drawn to Jesus and his goodness and faithfulness.

I am still seeking this topic out with Jesus. I have so many more questions and thoughts about this topic that is growing so great in our society. I just thought I would share what I am seeking out!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Real Talk Tuesday.

One of the many women I look up to moved to Colorado when I moved to Walnut Creek. I miss her so much, and through her I read about, “real talk Tuesday”. She explains all about it in her blog: www.sothankful4.blogspot.com Which you should just go read because her writing is so amazing and she is hilarious. But I have a lot on my heart and wanted to get some of it off my chest. So here I go with my real talk!

I’ve been told by two different people, “it would be easier if my parents decided to divorce and move on.” Now both of those people have lost their fathers in two completely different ways and their mothers were moving on into new relationships. What is so interesting to me about their statement is that I completely disagree. (Although I disagree I have no idea the pain that these two people feel with their dads being dead, and I do take what they say and how they feel seriously.)

When I was eight years old, I was told in a green mini van that my dad was having an affair. That’s interesting to me, considering I was trying to learn what an affair was rather than thinking about how awful and confusing my life was about to become. As I quickly came to learn what an affair was, I quickly became very hurt. See my dad was choosing to move on and leave his family behind. Where he did not die, my mom was not widowed and then found someone to move on with, my dad was choosing to move on. So why exactly wasn’t I good enough to stick around for? What made me at eight years old so awful that I was being left? I was being abandoned by choice.

I was told to keep it a secret and protect my brothers so that they wouldn’t find out. Then we were shipped off to my grandparents and my parents worked out their marriage and ended up sticking together.

Now I am growing up. Every year, going through each season. Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall. Every day each year I held a secret that my dad left me and I wasn’t good enough.

Sixteen years I kept this to myself. My friends knew. They were all I had. My parents didn’t talk to me about it. My grandparents didn’t talk to me about it. My brothers weren’t supposed to know. So I had my friends. I would cry to them and talk to them about it. Sixteen years. Sixteen years I suffered alone in my family. I disrespected my dad a lot growing up because I did disrespect him. He left me. He didn’t love me. And if he did love me, then why wasn’t he talking to me about what he did? Why didn’t he ever say sorry?

I am now 24 years old. New years eve of 2014 I get a phone call from my mom telling me that my world is shattering again, and my dad is packing his stuff to leave after being caught in another affair. FINALLY! FINALLY I can say something. FINALLY I don't have to keep a secret and can tell people that this isn't new to me!

I need to process this out.
I need to write. Writing is where I can get my thoughts out the best.
I need to heal.
I need to forgive.

See I am just a kid!
I may be twenty-four, married, and pregnant with my first child, but I am still a kid!

I was hurt by the ones that were sent here to protect me. The ones that were supposed to take care of me and love me. Where every time I heard, “I love you” all I thought was, “yeah right, you can shut up now!” I am not supposed to be a victim of my parents. I am supposed to be loved and cherished and cared for and protected by my parents from evil and hurt. Instead I had the opposite done to me. I was hurt. By them. So for me to wrap my mind around what has happened is utterly impossible because I am not supposed to understand this hurt. This shouldn't happen. I am kid. I should hear from my parents and be told from them that they are proud of me and love me. That they really love me. And their actions would speak louder than their words. I am a kid. No matter how old I am, I am still a kid of my parents. And the fact that my parents are not together, with each other is painful and hard and heartbreaking.

I was told a few years ago about this couple who decided to get a divorce. They had two children and there was an affair involved. Someone told me about this family, and how they haven’t seen the children “more happy”. Well I knew those children. And that is the largest lie that I ever heard. No child is going to be happy that their parents chose to live with someone else. A kid wants their family to be whole. To be loving. To be safe. Not broken. I just laughed inside to not disrespect the person telling me this, but really? Are you seeing the same two broken kids that I am? Or do I just know what it’s like to be them? The only difference is that when I was their age my parents worked their marriage out and kept everything a secret. Where these two children went threw the whole divorce in public. Their parents being judged and talked about. But I still felt their brokenness.

Psalm 18:1-2

“I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

So I don’t have to carry this. I don’t have to be strong. I can be weak.
I am so weak.
I am so confused.
I am so hurt.
I feel disgusted.
I feel abandoned.

I can know so many characteristics about my LORD and who he is in my life, but my heart still hurts and I don’t understand why any of this is happening, again.

I am healing.
I know I am because I am hurting and I am feeling.
It sucks.
I don’t understand why I have to even heal from this topic.

I feel like FINALLY I can have some closure over the last sixteen years. I FINALLY can really heal, because Jesus and my friends know how much I have wanted to move past all the secrets and lies and hurt. I can FINALLY have all this because I don’t have to keep a secret anymore. Although I can FINALLY have closure and healing, I am so terribly hurt and broken.

Side note on all of my hurt: Please pray for my parents. I don't know what the outcome is going to be of this. My mom is really diving into Jesus to seek his wisdom and guidance. I don't know whats going on in my dads heart. Maybe this marriage of 26 years will end, or maybe God will bring beauty out of these ashes. But they need prayer as much as I do. And prayer for my two younger brothers. I love my family and will defend them in any situation, but we are broken and need prayer of comfort and strength. And if Jesus wants to answer some of my questions for him, those would be welcome too!