MOM.

When defined as a verb, the word mother means: give birth to. To any woman that has given birth you know how much of a super hero you are. Pushing out a human that you strait up made from your body is pretty B.A. in anyone's eyes! So right away, if you are called "Mom" you are a super hero.

My mom is a super hero. I apparently was so captivating as a newborn that my mom quit her job to stay home with me. She didn't go back to work till I was almost out of high school, and that new job of hers was at my high school. She gave up her social life and career for me and my brothers.

Growing up I looked up to my mom in every way. I wanted to dress just like her, even in those high waisted mom jeans. I wanted to sleep just like her, even though she buries her head in the covers and I have to go up for fresh air and end up sleeping with my mouth open. I wanted to have my nails look like hers, so tragedy struck when I would bite them out of stress or nervousness. I wanted to love like she did/does. I wanted my family to be just like hers/ours. She was my role model. When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said a stay at home mom. Why would I want to be a veterinarian, a doctor, a fire fighter or a ballerina when I could be my mom?

My mom deserves to be loved like no one else. She has a heart of gold and it is full of love and passion. She goes after the heart of Jesus like no one I have ever met before. When hard times come a-knockin’, she's right there with her nose in her bible.

Something that I really admire in my mom is her persistence in chasing after the heart of Jesus. No matter how hard life is, no matter how much the devil pushes her down, no matter what the people around her say, she focuses only on what Jesus tells her to do. It is so crazy to me how many people try to give her advice on her life at the moment. How can you give advice to someone when you have never been in their shoes? And this advice isn't encouragement to chase after what The Father wants for her, it’s peoples opinion that was never asked for. It drives me crazy hearing people tell her what to do, or think that she is a fool for believing that Jesus will work a miracle. Do they not know the heart of God and know that he still works miracles today? But that is a difference between my mom and I, she just smiles at them and then goes back to praying. I am very proud of you mom! Your faith and faithfulness in searching for what God wants for your life is the right thing to do! No matter how hard it is right now, you are doing the right thing!

My mom is captivating. She is the definition of a soft heart after someone stabbing it. She continues to say, “Yes” when this world constantly tells her, “No.” Jesus has been rejected so many times. He created every person. He loves every person. And not every person loves him back. So many people deny he even exist, but he still loves them. My mom follows this example of loving unconditionally. She is so beautiful inside and out. She opens her heart with no expectations.

Mom,
You are a beautiful rare treasure. Your sensitive and pure heart is so captivating to me. I am honored to call you my mom. You are an amazing role model. I have no idea what you are going through today, but I know that Jesus has you. I know that you are taken care of and will be rewarded. I can't even put into words how much you mean to me, and how much you are changing my life for the good. I still want to be you when I grow up. I want to look evil in the eye and fight it. I want to be as strong as you. I want to be humble like you. I know that all of these things you learned from Jesus. Your life brings others to look up and see Jesus, and for that he is well pleased. You have done as your Father has requested. You may look like a fool to people here on earth, but they just don’t understand. Maybe one day they will, but until then I fully believe that you are showing them Heaven on Earth. You are showing the love that Jesus shows for us every day. You are showing faithfulness in the most broken time. You are showing the world that battling against the devil is so hard, so hurtful, and so emotionally draining, but it does not kill you. The devil has not brought you down on your worst day. He can never bring you down! Thank you for setting such an incredible example to so many people. You are the most wonderful mother. Thank you for sacrificing so much for me. The words that have come to me for this season you are in are; romance, desired, and fearless. Let Jesus romance you. Let him show you the priceless gifts that only he can give you. Go on a date with him. Let him remind you of how beautiful you are. Remember that you are desired. God created YOU. He wants your full heart. He desires to be a part of you every day life and he desires to laugh, cry, and dance with you. Be fearless. Let Jesus catch your tears. Continue taking that leap of faith. You can do all things through him, and knowing that, you can be fearless. I love you.


“You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have stolen my heart
with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace…
You are a garden fountain,
a well of flowing water
streaming down from Lebanon.”
Song of Songs 4: 9, 15

xoxo

Captivated.

Six years ago I bought the book and guided journal, “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldredge. I still have yet to finish the book. I read a couple chapters here and there and then pick up something else. It never fails that I always pick it up right when the season in my life links up with the chapter that my bookmark is on.

My heart is very hurt this year. A lot of drama going on in my family, and as there is drama in every family, this drama personally tugs on my heart. So this week when I picked up “Captivating” again, I had an attitude. This author tells me that Jesus is my bridegroom. That was so hard for me to grasp onto.

In the guided journal it reads,

“You are meant to fill a place in the heart of God no one and nothing else can fill. He longs for you. You are the one that overwhelms his heart with just one glance of your eyes (Song 4:9b). You are the one he sings over with delight and longs to dance with across mountain tops and ballroom floors (Zeph. 3:17). You are the one who takes his breath away by your beautiful heart that, against all odds, hopes in him. Let that be true for a moment. Let it be true of you.”
-Captivating: A Guided Journal pg. 133
I became very overwhelmed by this paragraph. God wants me? I fill a part of him that no one else can ever fill? How can that be? God do you realize how many people are on this earth? How many people have been on the earth? How many people are not yet here on this earth? This is in the bible, and all these people have the same access to these same words.

I started asking God, “to be a woman and have your deepest desire to be wanted, needed, and loved, its crazy to think the King of Kings wants me. And just I just think he wants everyone, I'm not the only one. Watching what is going on with my parents its so frustrating to see that my mom is not the only one. So how does this make me feel that I am not the only one? I'm jealous of all the other children of God. Is this the part where God becomes the father? He loves us all like a dad, but loves us individually like a bridegroom?”

Continuing to dig into this chapter I come to learn that from the beginning of my life Jesus has been romancing me. He placed my favorite flower in front of my eyes when I needed a smile. He sent birds to sing to me as my alarm in elementary school. He placed promises in my heart for when I felt so alone and sad. So many little gifts that he only gave to me. He let the wind blow through my hair in the car and allow me to smile at the simple treasures in life that make my life so much greater. These little gifts along with others show how they were personalized to me and how he seeks out the desires of my heart.

This was such a simple lesson to me. Not so deep to move mountains, but really impacting to realize, and for the first time understand, that God is my bridegroom. He gives me kisses through his simple gifts to me. He paid the ultimate sacrifice for me, he was humiliated in front of so many people for me, and he died on the cross for me. This shows me that he is faithful and longs to be in a one-on-one relationship with me. He is not man that will cheat, lie, and manipulate. He is the most consistent relationship a woman can have, and he knows exactly how to make her feel like the only girl in the world.

A couple pages later I was no longer jealous of all the other women in the world. I felt a love for them. I want them to feel how I feel. I want them to know that they are captivating and beautiful and the perfect Man is right there in front of them. Every woman deserves to be longed for and wanted. Every woman should feel giddy, important and desired. Well my sisters, you are! You impact the King of Kings. You matter! Your life has purpose and weight, and Jesus wants you to receive his personal gifts from him. Only gifts that you can receive. I will never get the gifts that Gods sends to you. He wants to be silly with you and dance passionately across the mountain tops with YOU.

We have an awesome bridegroom.

xoxo

Plate Smashing.

You know the tradition of plate smashing? It is very common in the history of Greek culture. If you look up plate smashing on google many different traditions pop up. From good luck for a newly wed couple to smashing plates into a fire pit after a banquet so dishes do not have to be done. Some cultures have used plate smashing to deal with mourning the loss. Plate smashing can demonstrate getting frustration out, sometimes it sounds good to just break something in the moment of frustration or anger. It can be used as a tool to understand someone else's life. I have written all my hopes and dreams on a plate at a work meeting before and then was told to go outside and throw it against a brick wall and watch it shatter. Watch all my hopes and dreams shatter. That was a tool to understand what the families that I was working with were going through. Plate smashing can be used to overcome something, writing on a plate some feelings or a situation and then watching it shatter can really help overcome that situation.

I really like smashing plates. I am a very visual person, so seeing something physically shatter means something to me.

Although lately I feel like the plate. I feel like I have been thrown at a brick wall. I feel shattered. I feel like I am laying on hot cement in many pieces. I have been broken. I have been hurt. I have been crushed.

Man threw me at the wall. Human.

Oh wait one of my bigger pieces that didn’t break into many pieces is being picked up. Does this mean that I am going to get put back together as best as possible, oh NO! I just got thrown at the wall again. There is no big pieces left. I am completely shattered by a brick wall.

That brick wall is Man. Human.

I am on the burning cement just crying out. Crying so much pain and so much hurt. I ache. My whole body is in pain, broken on the ground.

Oh ouch, I just got stepped on. Awesome. Thank you for that!

Man just stepped on me. Human.

Didn’t you see me here? Didn’t you human see that I have been crushed and shattered on this cement. Did you notice that its summer time? So not only am I in pain and completely broken, I am really hot, and am burning up from the sun. The sun is taking all my energy out. I am tired, I am drained, and I am hurt. Didn’t you see me here? Because if you did and stepped on me anyway, that was super rude! I would really love it if you picked me up! Then at least I would just be broken and maybe not as exhausted from the heat of the sun.

Why am I asking Man for help? Why am I thinking a human can put me back together? Why am I surprised that Man hurt me? Completely shattered my feelings and left me there with not so much as an “I am sorry”.

Why am I not looking to Jesus for help and instead am asking Man for help? What can Man do for me? I need Jesus. I need his healing and his encouragement. I need to share my heart with him and be completely vulnerable with him. I need to run to his arms for comfort.

I have found comfort in his word,
“So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”
-Deuteronomy 31:6He goes ahead of me. He knows what is going to happen before I do, and He will never fail me and He will never abandon me. I am not alone, He is with me. I do not have to be afraid. He will carry me and give me his strength when I have no strength of my own. He can pick me up off the burning cement when I don’t have the strength to get up on my own. I am not alone.

I just want to end with a prayer for anyone who has every felt like a shattered plate before. Anyone who has been hurt by Man.

Lord, I pray for everyone who reads this and feels like a shattered plate. I pray that as they lay there so hurt and broken that they look up to you and call out to you. I pray that they feel your love and are captivated by your understanding for what they are going through. For you understand pain. You were betrayed by Man and you were physically beaten and killed by Man. You understand the brokenness that Man can do to one another.

Lord, you empower us with your strength for Psalms 18: 32-35 says,

“God arms me with strength, and he makes my way perfect. He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain heights. He trains my hands for battle; he strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow. You have given me your shield of victory. Your right hand supports me; your help has made me great.”

In this time when we feel so weak and so broken, remind us of your strength and how you give us your strength. We can do all things in you! We can get up off this hot cement, broken and weak in Your name! Thank you for your love. Thank you for your strength. Thank you for hearing my cry. Continue to strengthen us in this hurt time we are in. We may not understand why we are in this broken season. We may not understand the beauty from ashes you will bring from this. Although we may not see these things, let us see You and Your glory. Let us feel your love and your understanding for our pain. We love you Jesus!
Amen.
Mended by Angie Smith is a great book for anyone that needs some extra encouragement to know you are not alone and not the only one who has felt broken.

xoxo

Lent.

Ash Wednesday.

Lent as I know is the forty days leading up to Easter Day. It starts on a Wednesday which is observed as Ash Wednesday. The purpose of Lent is to posture yourself in acts of prayer and repentance of sins as you acknowledge the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. To posture yourself for prayer and repentance, many Christians fast for the forty days. This fasting is to be able to make more time to reflect on Jesus. Reflect on his suffering, sacrifice, his crucifixion and his resurrection.

I have personally never participated in Lent before. I have fasted for a few days here and there in the past for different reasons in the season of life I was in, but I have never sat aside time before Easter to really reflect on Jesus and all that he did for me.

This year my friend Sheila brought it up. I looked into Lent and read about what it truly meant. I am about to become a mom to a beautiful baby boy! I haven’t seen him yet, but every little one of his hiccups I feel inside me makes me picture how beautiful he already is and is going to be. My due date is in 56 days. I have this countdown in three different places in my house to remind me that the exciting time of meeting him is coming soon! When I was looking into Lent I saw that it is 40 days. This stirred in my heart a different countdown. Thousands of years ago Jesus’ countdown to his death was in 40 days! What would it be like to know you only have 40 days before one of your best friends that you walk life with every day betrays you and then you have to go through one of the slowest and most painful executions there is? I am counting down to an exciting day, that will have pain involved, but nothing like a crucifixion!

So with my personal countdown and the countdown to Easter (Lent) being so close in numbers I was really drawn to participate this year in setting extra time aside to acknowledge these last 40 days of my King’s life, and really thank him for the huge sacrifice he laid down for me.

I am doing Lent with three of my best friends, and my Husband is also going to do it. I committed to giving up social media before 6pm. That gives me all day to posture myself in prayer and repentance. To really listen and take in everything Jesus did for me thousands of years ago. And then after 6pm I can still post pictures of my pregnant belly for my friends and family to see.

I hope to really grow in this season of Lent. To really take in his heartbreaking story and gain thankfulness. I hope to write more about what I gain insight on during this time and share with you. I am really excited about this time!

Are you going to do Lent? It started today, but you can still be a part of it! What are you fasting? What do you hope to gain in this season leading up to Easter Sunday?

xoxo

Ellen.

Ellen DeGeneres.

The past couple months I have been watching Ellen almost every day. There is something so captivating about her. Her laugh, her energy, her sense of humor, and her love for other people.

I found myself super defensive of her when I heard about some followers of Christ making a disgusted noise when she came up in a conversation. Today I have been so passionate about asking Jesus why I feel so strongly about this defensive feeling I have for Ellen. I am determined to seek his heart and his understanding in why I have this burning in me to fight for Ellen.

Ellen lives a life that I don’t agree with because it doesn't agree with what Jesus teaches in the bible.
Matthew 19: 4-6
“‘Haven’t you read the Scriptures?’ Jesus replied. ‘They record that from the beginning God made them male and female. And he said, This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.’”
1 Corinthians 6: 9
“Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don't fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality,”
1 Timothy 1:10
“The law is for people who are sexually immoral, or who practice homosexuality, or are slave traders, liars, promise breakers, or who do anything else that contradicts the wholesome teaching”

Although I personally do not support this type of living situation because of what Jesus says about it, does that mean that I shouldn’t love her?
Matthew 19:19
“Honor your father and mother. Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Matthew 22: 39
“And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
Romans 13: 9-10
“The commandments, ‘Do not commit adultery,’ ‘Do not murder,’ ‘Do not steal,’ Do not covet,’ and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.”

Jesus gave us all talents to use here on earth. Some of us have great talents and some of us have smaller talents. In Matthew 25: 15 it says,
“To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability, Then he went on his journey.”
We use our God given talents to glorify God and to show his goodness and love.

Jesus gave Ellen a talent to make others laugh so unbelievably hard! Jesus gave her a heart to give and love on others. Jesus loves her! Jesus calls his people to love their brothers and sisters. Should we as followers of Jesus speak negative words about her just because her sin is different than ours? No.

I think our church body is doing a better job in teaching the people of God to love others unconditionally. But I think that there is still a massive need for Christians to love others under any situation no matter how they live their life.

See Ellen loves people so well. She constantly uses her talents, that God gave her, to make a living for herself, and the money that she makes she returns to the poor and the broken and the hurt. So many stories of people getting blessed by Ellen. She loves on all these people unconditionally and I think thats why people are so drawn to her.

Although I believe what the bible says about homosexuality, I think as a people of God we can learn from Ellen. How many of us just walk by the person that is so broken and just wants to be heard out and given a hug? How many of us just bless each other and stick in our own bubbles instead of really looking at what hurt strangers need? Ellen has the opportunity to bless people all over, and she grabs it at every chance she gets. If we as the body of Christ were to be more like that then don’t you think that more people would be drawn to us which in turn is drawn towards Jesus?

I see so many people being pushed away and shut down because they find out that the person they are talking to is a Christian. For a while I didn’t want to say I was a Christian, I just wanted to say that I was a follower of Jesus. Why are people so pushed away from the title of a Christian? Why do people back away and shut down once they find out they are talking to someone that is a Christian? Is it because they feel like they will be judged? Or told that they need to straiten their life out? Or is it because they feel ashamed in their life and don't want to feel more guilt and sadness by the choices that they have made?

Whats so interesting is that we as Christians are not here to judge them. God is our only judge.
Romans 14: 10-14
“You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God’s judgement seat. It is written:
‘As surely as I live, says the Lord,
every knee will bow before me;
every tongue will confess to God.’
So then, each of us will give an account to himself to God. Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling black or obstacle in your brother’s way.”
Psalm 76:9
“When you, O God, rose up to judge, to save all the afflicted of the land.”
Psalm 82: 8
“Rise up, O God, judge the earth, for all the nations are your inheritance.”
Romans 2:2
“We know that God is right to judge everyone who behaves in his way.”
Psalm 7:11
“God is a righteous judge, a God who expresses his wrath every day.”

We are sent here to love them and share the good news. Not look down on others and say, “oh man did you ever screw up!” Thats not our job! It’s not our place because we have all sinned in some way. That’s where we get to share, “hey I have really messed up too, and the good news of Jesus Christ is that we are forgiven and set free from all of that shame and brokenness! You don't have to feel that pain anymore. You don't have to feel like people are judging you or looking down on you because its not your problem to carry anymore. Jesus took your problem and nailed it to the cross. You have been set free!”

I am the fist to say that I need to work on everything I am writing about. I am not perfect. I sin everyday! But I would love to work on loving people greater and be a light that people are drawn too because of the love I share, just like the love that Ellen shares. But instead of how people are drawn to Ellen, when I love they will be drawn to Jesus and his goodness and faithfulness.

I am still seeking this topic out with Jesus. I have so many more questions and thoughts about this topic that is growing so great in our society. I just thought I would share what I am seeking out!

Real Talk Tuesday.

One of the many women I look up to moved to Colorado when I moved to Walnut Creek. I miss her so much, and through her I read about, “real talk Tuesday”. She explains all about it in her blog: www.sothankful4.blogspot.com Which you should just go read because her writing is so amazing and she is hilarious. But I have a lot on my heart and wanted to get some of it off my chest. So here I go with my real talk!

I’ve been told by two different people, “it would be easier if my parents decided to divorce and move on.” Now both of those people have lost their fathers in two completely different ways and their mothers were moving on into new relationships. What is so interesting to me about their statement is that I completely disagree. (Although I disagree I have no idea the pain that these two people feel with their dads being dead, and I do take what they say and how they feel seriously.)

When I was eight years old, I was told in a green mini van that my dad was having an affair. That’s interesting to me, considering I was trying to learn what an affair was rather than thinking about how awful and confusing my life was about to become. As I quickly came to learn what an affair was, I quickly became very hurt. See my dad was choosing to move on and leave his family behind. Where he did not die, my mom was not widowed and then found someone to move on with, my dad was choosing to move on. So why exactly wasn’t I good enough to stick around for? What made me at eight years old so awful that I was being left? I was being abandoned by choice.

I was told to keep it a secret and protect my brothers so that they wouldn’t find out. Then we were shipped off to my grandparents and my parents worked out their marriage and ended up sticking together.

Now I am growing up. Every year, going through each season. Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall. Every day each year I held a secret that my dad left me and I wasn’t good enough.

Sixteen years I kept this to myself. My friends knew. They were all I had. My parents didn’t talk to me about it. My grandparents didn’t talk to me about it. My brothers weren’t supposed to know. So I had my friends. I would cry to them and talk to them about it. Sixteen years. Sixteen years I suffered alone in my family. I disrespected my dad a lot growing up because I did disrespect him. He left me. He didn’t love me. And if he did love me, then why wasn’t he talking to me about what he did? Why didn’t he ever say sorry?

I am now 24 years old. New years eve of 2014 I get a phone call from my mom telling me that my world is shattering again, and my dad is packing his stuff to leave after being caught in another affair. FINALLY! FINALLY I can say something. FINALLY I don't have to keep a secret and can tell people that this isn't new to me!

I need to process this out.
I need to write. Writing is where I can get my thoughts out the best.
I need to heal.
I need to forgive.

See I am just a kid!
I may be twenty-four, married, and pregnant with my first child, but I am still a kid!

I was hurt by the ones that were sent here to protect me. The ones that were supposed to take care of me and love me. Where every time I heard, “I love you” all I thought was, “yeah right, you can shut up now!” I am not supposed to be a victim of my parents. I am supposed to be loved and cherished and cared for and protected by my parents from evil and hurt. Instead I had the opposite done to me. I was hurt. By them. So for me to wrap my mind around what has happened is utterly impossible because I am not supposed to understand this hurt. This shouldn't happen. I am kid. I should hear from my parents and be told from them that they are proud of me and love me. That they really love me. And their actions would speak louder than their words. I am a kid. No matter how old I am, I am still a kid of my parents. And the fact that my parents are not together, with each other is painful and hard and heartbreaking.

I was told a few years ago about this couple who decided to get a divorce. They had two children and there was an affair involved. Someone told me about this family, and how they haven’t seen the children “more happy”. Well I knew those children. And that is the largest lie that I ever heard. No child is going to be happy that their parents chose to live with someone else. A kid wants their family to be whole. To be loving. To be safe. Not broken. I just laughed inside to not disrespect the person telling me this, but really? Are you seeing the same two broken kids that I am? Or do I just know what it’s like to be them? The only difference is that when I was their age my parents worked their marriage out and kept everything a secret. Where these two children went threw the whole divorce in public. Their parents being judged and talked about. But I still felt their brokenness.

Psalm 18:1-2

“I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

So I don’t have to carry this. I don’t have to be strong. I can be weak.
I am so weak.
I am so confused.
I am so hurt.
I feel disgusted.
I feel abandoned.

I can know so many characteristics about my LORD and who he is in my life, but my heart still hurts and I don’t understand why any of this is happening, again.

I am healing.
I know I am because I am hurting and I am feeling.
It sucks.
I don’t understand why I have to even heal from this topic.

I feel like FINALLY I can have some closure over the last sixteen years. I FINALLY can really heal, because Jesus and my friends know how much I have wanted to move past all the secrets and lies and hurt. I can FINALLY have all this because I don’t have to keep a secret anymore. Although I can FINALLY have closure and healing, I am so terribly hurt and broken.

Side note on all of my hurt: Please pray for my parents. I don't know what the outcome is going to be of this. My mom is really diving into Jesus to seek his wisdom and guidance. I don't know whats going on in my dads heart. Maybe this marriage of 26 years will end, or maybe God will bring beauty out of these ashes. But they need prayer as much as I do. And prayer for my two younger brothers. I love my family and will defend them in any situation, but we are broken and need prayer of comfort and strength. And if Jesus wants to answer some of my questions for him, those would be welcome too!