.Labor Part 2.

We get to the hospital after I call my doctor at 6:00am Friday May 1, 2014. 

I remember the drive and walk up to the hospital. I called Brit because she was in town but she didn't answer. I called my mom when we arrived. 

We signed the papers and I got to go into room 2! My favorite number. 

I got dressed in their robe and a nurse checked me out. I hadn't slept all night from being so excited so I just wanted to lay down. 

They hooked me all up and I was all set. 

Brit and Kyle came in. Caleb wanted to take pictures but when I'm feeling giant, fat, and ready to hold my baby, I do not want to take a picture smiling looking at an angle to show my 58 chins! Let's be honest!

Laying in that bed was so relaxing. Just the comfort of knowing pregnancy was about to be over (I didn't love being pregnant). My parents came in, Caleb's brother and my sister-in-law came in. That was actually the only time I got mad! The three of them thought it was okay to bring in-n-out into my room when I'm not aloud to eat! We all know how much I love my #3 with no onions and a dr. Pepper, and I can't have any... There's a waiting room for you guys to stuff your faces! 

Other than that, I didn't want the TV on, I just wanted to relax. Poor Caleb was probably bored out of his mind! 

Around noon is when my doctor came in. Doctor Senior. She was the dr I had for my very first appointment. She's very good and very nice. 

I've had major anxiety about labor. My doctor new about this anxiety and told me that she saw the baby coming out quickly so I should consider the epidural. The epidural would calm me down so that I didn't freak out from my anxiety. My nurse was so for me and told me that if I don't want to, then I shouldn't. I looked at caleb and he said, "I think you should!" So I ask to talk to the anesthesiologist to find out if I needed to know anything serious. The man came in. I was at five centimeters and we were cracking jokes! He was impressed by my lack of screaming and pain which made me feel very good! 

After talking to the anesthesiologist and picking his brain, caleb and I decided to do the epidural. Well that was the best thing! I almost got to take a nap!! I got to relax the last couple hours of being pregnant. I just felt so at peace and was able to enjoy and soak in the whole experience, and I wasn't drugged or high as I have heard, I was numb on my lower body people! Learn about what you are talking about! 

My doctor kept coming in to check Nathan. She was worried that the cord was around his neck so she had a special team come in just in case. She told me at 4:00pm I would start pushing. Their was a clock on the wall I was staring at. That was about an hour. So I just took that last hour and rested. I would have to flip side to side because the epidural was not working on my left side. So I could feel everything on my left side and minimal on my right side. 

4:00pm

My doctor comes in and tells me what to do and how to push and we start. 

Caleb was on my left side. Poor guy. That was where I felt everything and his touch on my foot seemed to make the pain worse! He was trying to help so much and my nurse I think thought I was a pro because she would walk around and do something then come back when I told her I was having a contraction. 

I had so many nurses and they were all so great! 

My doctor would come in and check here and there but Nathan didn't want to come out. Every contraction was three pushes. Every push was two steps forward one step back with him. I remember feeling like I was going to pass out. I was so tired. 

Then my doctor came in and got all dressed up even more than she already was. I have no idea what time this was, but had to be around 6:00pm. Before I knew it she looked at caleb and told him to go get our camera. Looked at me and told me to push and I did, and there came Nathan. 

6:26 pm. 

7lbs 11ounces 21.5 in

Beautiful cry. 

They cleaned him up, and laid him on my chest where I proceeded to cry. It was the most magical moment of my life! 

Those two and a half hours flew by! I love my labor and the excitement and peace I had! I loved the hospital and everyone that worked there. It was such a wonderful day and I wouldn't change one thing about it!! 

Happy birthday baby boy! Thank you for giving me this incredible story and journey. 

XOXO

.Labor Part 1.

April 30, 2014

It's Wednesday. 

Going to my 40 week checkup at 39 weeks, 6 days. 

Caleb always texts me when he's on his way home to make it to the doctors office. 

I haven't heard from him in over an hour which is not a good sign. He's never late and hasn't missed an appointment. 

Something must have come up at work so I need to just go alone. 

I'm nervous, this could be the last doctors appointment before I meet my son! They can give me great news or they can tell me it's not looking like labor will happen for me this weekend. 

I show up to the office and have five missed calls and two texts from caleb saying he forgot and is on his way. He wants me to ask if they can push my appointment back so he can make it. 

So I ask. 

The nurse is so nice and says she will talk to the doctor. 

They end up making me the last appointment. So I wait for almost an hour but Caleb ends up making it! 

We have Dr. V, which out of the four doctors that I have she is my favorite. 

She checks the baby and checks me. Tells me tips on how to start labor, like pushing on certain pressure points on my shoulders, back, and feet. Then she tells me she can swipe my membrane and there is a 50% chance it will start labor. So I ask her more questions about it and agree to have it done. I'm so ready to not be pregnant any more and my due date is tomorrow!!!

I lay down and she tells me it's okay if I cry most women do. Well I don't. I don't know if I was so focused on starting labor or if I have a higher pain tolerance than I thought! 

She tells me she sees me going into labor and to rest when I get home. 

We go home and Brit and Kyle are waiting for us. I had some cramps from the doctors so I was on the phone telling my mom about it. Brit and Kyle were staying in town for the weekend just in case my baby came around his due date. They also might help us move into our new place if we get bored just sitting around. 

I get off the phone with my mom and we head inside with Kyle and Brit. Brit passed her test today, so she is now a certified Esthetician!!! She got her license with her picture on it! 

Britnie is one of the strongest people I know. It must have been all that gymnastics in her. So she sits on the couch and I on the floor and pushes on the pressure points that my doctor told me about. I don't remember what we were all talking about but it was a good afternoon. 

Kyle and Brit leave around 11, Caleb goes to bed because he had work in the morning and I am a night owl that cannot get comfortable so I just hung out for a little bit. Around midnight I go lay down. 

12:59 - strong cramp. Is that a contraction? I get really bad cramps so I don't have anything to compare what a contraction is. So I open my notes app and write the time. 

1:05a 

1:10a

1:14a

1:17a 

1:21a

1:27a 

All cramps but very consistent in their timing. I start texting Sarah during all this because she has a newborn and is up all night. Which for me was nice to have someone to talk to!! 

3:08 - that's a contraction! You just know!

4:23a 

4:26a 

4:29a

(All the times from 12:59 till 6a are written on a piece of paper in my memory book)

Contractions weren't super painful. I had them at least every five min if not closer for over three hours. I wasn't on the floor in pain and my water didn't break so I didn't think I needed to wake up caleb. I laid on the couch and watched tv

5:00am!- people are awake!! I called my mom and told her all my times. She said I'm in labor and to go to the hospital. But I didn't want to be sent home so I told her I'll wait till caleb gets up at 5:30. She told me to take a nice shower and get ready to leave. 

Caleb's alarm goes off and I'm so excited!! He opens the bedroom door and I run up to him, "You're not going to work today! You're having a baby!!" He is taken back and ask if we need to leave. I told him to take a shower and we have to take my 40 week weekly picture and I want to put mascara on. 

XOXO

What I Have Learned As A Mom. Pt. 3

.Six More Things I've Learned. 

1. I've learned so much more about Mary. 

Mary is the virgin who gave birth to a King. I know the story in the Bible, I have thought how I would feel being in her shoes as a pregnant virgin. What I never had until I became a mom was the connection with Mary of being a mother.

There is a passion that comes when you deliver your baby. This overwhelming love and protective instinct. 

Although the Bible does not talk about the details in Mary's pregnancy, I've just imagined what life was like for her. 

Mary carried Jesus in her tummy, felt his kicks and maybe some hiccups, and gave birth to him. She had that overwhelming love for him. She watched as he rolled over and held him as his first tooth came in. He was her baby and she knew she would have to give him up. 

Her son died. She watched him grow up and never sin and then watched others be so hurtful and cruel to him. That had to have broke her heart. 

I have learned so much about Mary and what type of woman she was. I would hate to see a cut knee on Nathan and she had to see her son be tortured. How absolutely terrible! 

I have a new perspective on how strong, loyal, fierce, obedient, loving, and caring Mary was. 

2. The fear in love. 

I feel like I should have already known this from having my husband be told he shouldn't be alive at 21. When you love someone, the idea of them being gone is such a painful thought. I remember nights of crying when Caleb was in the hospital. I would give anything to trade places with him, or I would do anything just to have him better. There was fear there. 

Now I'm a mom. 

This fear has hit me so hard. 

What if I lost Nathan?

When Nathan was 5 days old I freaked out that he had a cold sore (which he didn't) and an article on Google told me a baby died at 11 days old from a cold sore. 

I became a hot mess and hysterical. 

Caleb told me to go take a nap and calm down because I was so tired and not thinking correctly, and my mom told me it was going to be fine because it was just a sore from breastfeeding. 

Well they should have told me about that sore!!

I just remember holding Nathan and praying that God would give me more than 11 days with him. I had this fear that he would be taken from me to soon and I couldn't imagine my life without him. 

As months went by, Ebola became a topic in our country. We were no where near anyone that could have had Ebola but I took Nathan's temperature every day to make sure he didn't have a fever, which was the first sign of Ebola, or at least that's what GMA told me. 

I had to do everything in my power to make sure he didn't get sick or hurt. 

Fear. 

So much fear. 

Philippians 4:6-7

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for what He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus" (NLT). 

Fear is not of Jesus. It's not welcome in my home, in my mind, or in my heart. But what I have learned is fear is the devils strongest weapon against me since I have become a mom. 

I fight fear daily. 

3. I will never be enough for my kids

I am only human. 

I am not physically strong, I mean I need help opening a pickle jar. 

I am not invincible. 

I cannot protect myself from everything, therefore I cannot protect my baby from everything. 

I have learned that I am not enough. 

If I have this pressure on myself to be all that my child needs then I will fail every time. 

God knows what Nathan needs right now and what he will need in the future. God can protect Nathan, heal him, keep him safe, and never fail. I have to give up that control that I am all my child needs. 

4. I know my child the best

Although I will never be enough, I do know my child the best. 

Doctors can tell me something, friends and family can tell me something else, but in the end I know what's best and know him the best. 

The gut feeling of a maternal instinct is amazing. 

Becoming a mom I was so nervous where to put the baby when I had to go to the restroom, then my baby born and I knew what to do. 

I still have questions and I don't admit I know everything, but when it comes to my child, I know what he needs when he makes a certain face, and when he needs a nap by a certain sound. I know him the best and I take that confidence when others come in and want to tell me something different. 

Along with knowing your child the best comes another thing I've really learned, 

5. EVERY kid is different. Every kid. 

Comparing is the thief of joy. 

When every kid is different then why are you comparing them? We are unique individuals from the second we are created. Some babies move like crazy in the womb. Others are more relaxed. Some have major hiccups, others like to stretch out on one side.

We are different from the moment we are created. 

It's so hard when you are a new mom with lots of other new moms. Especially on social media. 

You see their kid doing something and wonder why yours isn't. You look at the age or the size or what they are learning or what they are eating. You are a new mom so you are trying your best to be the best for your precious baby, and comparing can take over like wild fire. 

Put that fire out right away. 

You cannot compare. 

Each child develops on his or her own time line. I think it is great that we now have doctors and researchers to give us a timeline of when your baby should start to eat solids or wave good-bye, but it is okay if your baby is at a different speed. Do not compare to other babies. 

Comparing steals joy, and in this short time you want to keep all the joy that babies bring. 

Which leads me to another topic, 

6. Time flies

Remember sitting in first period waiting for the final bell to ring and go home? Man how time moved so slowly. 

Well now I am a mom and, BAM! Just in a blink of an eye I have an 11 month old. 

Wasn't he just born?

Wasn't I just crying because I heard him cry for the first time?

Didn't I just walk in the room to find him in a different spot and had missed him rolling over for the first time? 

Didn't he just crawl?

Now he's running and saying words. 

How did time go so quickly? 

I have learned how fast a day goes. And some days I take it minute by minute (those meltdown days where I count to ten, a lot). But in general time flies. 

Thank goodness for my handy phone that I can record and capture Nathan at any point of any day. Then I have those memories stored. 

Those first giggles and sounds

Those first steps and first foods. 

Time flies. 

XOXO 

What I Have Learned As A Mom. Pt. 2

.Becoming Selfless.

Growing up I witnessed my mom be completely selfless. My brothers and I were the priority and she came last. As I got older I was encouraged to wait till I could be completely selfless before I started to try and have a baby (because my college, retail working self, loved shopping sprees). I thought I understood what selfless was:  

- The baby comes before me in all areas (which seems so logical and normal)

- I will give up my sleep to make sure the baby gets sleep

- I won't get to eat when ever I want, I'll eat around the schedule of the baby

- I will willingly give up girls nights and trips because my presence is so important in my kids life 

I have selfish moments. I want that new shirt, but obviously a growing boy gets new clothes before me. I long for my expensive Starbucks coffee, and there have been some mornings that I have been in line at Starbucks for that extra shot of help. 

I'm not perfect and not completely selfless. I do however put someone before me every second of every day. 

I have known that being a mom you have to be selfless, but what I didn't realize is how my body becomes completely selfless. 

My body is not my own. 

Let's start with pregnancy. My
Body is now the proud home of a little baby that is literally taking from me to survive!! My body is completely changing in order to be a good host and nurture for a baby. 

Baby is born and I choose to breast feed. Now my body is my child's food source. I love nursing Nathan. I love the benefits in it for him, I love the bonding that it brings, and I love love love the convenience of not having to pack him food. I didn't think of all the medication you cannot take when you are sick, or the food that you don't want to eat because it messes with the milk that in turn messes with his tummy. 

I didn't realize how I completely become selfless. I will gladly lay down my life for my son. I will do whatever I can to make sure he is healthy and safe. My body is no longer my little size two body. It is a gift from Jesus that has let me make and grow a baby, then keep him alive with food! I am blown away by how awesome my body is. I love my body so much more now because I'm so proud of what it has accomplished! 

I understood the money part and the materialistic part of being selfless, I have learned being a mom every part of me is for my baby. And I know none of this is forever. One day I will stop wearing nursing bras and be able to take medicine for my cold, but until then I fully give myself to my child to help him grow and flourish into his crazy, funny self.

What blows my mind about becoming selfless is how natural and easy it is. I don't give a second thought about putting Nathan before me. It's like a switch flips the second that test tells you, "you're going to be a mom" and you are all for your baby. 

XOXO

What I Have Learned As A Mom.

.Being Late.

For months now I have wanted to document what I have learned as a mommy. I just haven't had the time to sit down and write. Instead I have used Instagram as a scrapbook of memories and reminders of what my life is like and what I have learned. So as I am quickly reaching one year of being a mom, I thought I would do a series of what I have learned so far as a mom. 

I have a few topics on my list of what I have learned, and in no particular order I want to write about them. Looking at my list it was very easy to decide which one to write about first. The one I learned right away,

That my punctual self will never be on time again and I have to be okay with that.
I sure did set an alarm an extra hour early, packed everything I thought I would need the night before, made sure there was coffee in the house ready to go, and gas in the car. Did not matter if I was going to church or across the state, I was "prepared".

Well let's just talked about that word.           Prepared. 

Ya.. What does that even mean when you are a mom????

You cannot prepare for the wet sheets, messy last minute diaper, last minute change of clothes for the both of you after a leaky diaper or random spit up incident, forget my phone in the house, and/or forget everything else on the table.

No. You cannot be 100% prepared.

I met a new friend when I was a brand new mom. For the life of me I could not get to her at the time we set. Didn't matter if it was 10am or 1pm. I never made it early let alone five minutes late! I was so discouraged. What a terrible impression I was consistently giving her. I was really hard on myself and tried to leave five minutes before I thought I should so then maybe I would be on time, but then I would be so focused on the time I would forget to change Nathan's diaper. There was always something that came up to make me late (and sometimes it came up from Nathan's stomach).

After a couple weeks hanging out with her I told her that I'm not a late person. My history with work, functions, and hang outs, I have a good record of being on time and I felt awful she was always waiting on me. She laughed and told me not to worry, but I still felt bad. Having someone wait on me wasn't normal for me.

One morning I woke up, had to be somewhere at a certain time and I just sat down and counted to ten. It was all going to be okay. I am learning. I am learning Nathan. I am learning how long it takes him to eat that day, and when he decides to wet the bed. I am not on my way to a job, so if I'm a couple minutes late, then that's my new normal and I just have to be okay with that.

After months of being the last one to the party, I am now able to be on time some days. It took a lot of months (like 9) to figure out a groove with my new travel buddy. He is always changing and I am always getting a surprise in my day, but I have learned how to be on time, or close to it, again!

I have also learned, and am so thankful for, the grace that people have on you for being a new mom. Even being a mom at all! There is this understanding between moms that comes with just a look telling one another,
"You got this! Rough morning? Us too! No problem, just take a breath!" I feel normal when another mom is late and I have grown to love the stories of why. Babies bring so much color to a conversation and they are so worth being late for!

xoxo

MOM.

When defined as a verb, the word mother means: give birth to. To any woman that has given birth you know how much of a super hero you are. Pushing out a human that you strait up made from your body is pretty B.A. in anyone's eyes! So right away, if you are called "Mom" you are a super hero.

My mom is a super hero. I apparently was so captivating as a newborn that my mom quit her job to stay home with me. She didn't go back to work till I was almost out of high school, and that new job of hers was at my high school. She gave up her social life and career for me and my brothers.

Growing up I looked up to my mom in every way. I wanted to dress just like her, even in those high waisted mom jeans. I wanted to sleep just like her, even though she buries her head in the covers and I have to go up for fresh air and end up sleeping with my mouth open. I wanted to have my nails look like hers, so tragedy struck when I would bite them out of stress or nervousness. I wanted to love like she did/does. I wanted my family to be just like hers/ours. She was my role model. When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said a stay at home mom. Why would I want to be a veterinarian, a doctor, a fire fighter or a ballerina when I could be my mom?

My mom deserves to be loved like no one else. She has a heart of gold and it is full of love and passion. She goes after the heart of Jesus like no one I have ever met before. When hard times come a-knockin’, she's right there with her nose in her bible.

Something that I really admire in my mom is her persistence in chasing after the heart of Jesus. No matter how hard life is, no matter how much the devil pushes her down, no matter what the people around her say, she focuses only on what Jesus tells her to do. It is so crazy to me how many people try to give her advice on her life at the moment. How can you give advice to someone when you have never been in their shoes? And this advice isn't encouragement to chase after what The Father wants for her, it’s peoples opinion that was never asked for. It drives me crazy hearing people tell her what to do, or think that she is a fool for believing that Jesus will work a miracle. Do they not know the heart of God and know that he still works miracles today? But that is a difference between my mom and I, she just smiles at them and then goes back to praying. I am very proud of you mom! Your faith and faithfulness in searching for what God wants for your life is the right thing to do! No matter how hard it is right now, you are doing the right thing!

My mom is captivating. She is the definition of a soft heart after someone stabbing it. She continues to say, “Yes” when this world constantly tells her, “No.” Jesus has been rejected so many times. He created every person. He loves every person. And not every person loves him back. So many people deny he even exist, but he still loves them. My mom follows this example of loving unconditionally. She is so beautiful inside and out. She opens her heart with no expectations.

Mom,
You are a beautiful rare treasure. Your sensitive and pure heart is so captivating to me. I am honored to call you my mom. You are an amazing role model. I have no idea what you are going through today, but I know that Jesus has you. I know that you are taken care of and will be rewarded. I can't even put into words how much you mean to me, and how much you are changing my life for the good. I still want to be you when I grow up. I want to look evil in the eye and fight it. I want to be as strong as you. I want to be humble like you. I know that all of these things you learned from Jesus. Your life brings others to look up and see Jesus, and for that he is well pleased. You have done as your Father has requested. You may look like a fool to people here on earth, but they just don’t understand. Maybe one day they will, but until then I fully believe that you are showing them Heaven on Earth. You are showing the love that Jesus shows for us every day. You are showing faithfulness in the most broken time. You are showing the world that battling against the devil is so hard, so hurtful, and so emotionally draining, but it does not kill you. The devil has not brought you down on your worst day. He can never bring you down! Thank you for setting such an incredible example to so many people. You are the most wonderful mother. Thank you for sacrificing so much for me. The words that have come to me for this season you are in are; romance, desired, and fearless. Let Jesus romance you. Let him show you the priceless gifts that only he can give you. Go on a date with him. Let him remind you of how beautiful you are. Remember that you are desired. God created YOU. He wants your full heart. He desires to be a part of you every day life and he desires to laugh, cry, and dance with you. Be fearless. Let Jesus catch your tears. Continue taking that leap of faith. You can do all things through him, and knowing that, you can be fearless. I love you.


“You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have stolen my heart
with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace…
You are a garden fountain,
a well of flowing water
streaming down from Lebanon.”
Song of Songs 4: 9, 15

xoxo

Captivated.

Six years ago I bought the book and guided journal, “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldredge. I still have yet to finish the book. I read a couple chapters here and there and then pick up something else. It never fails that I always pick it up right when the season in my life links up with the chapter that my bookmark is on.

My heart is very hurt this year. A lot of drama going on in my family, and as there is drama in every family, this drama personally tugs on my heart. So this week when I picked up “Captivating” again, I had an attitude. This author tells me that Jesus is my bridegroom. That was so hard for me to grasp onto.

In the guided journal it reads,

“You are meant to fill a place in the heart of God no one and nothing else can fill. He longs for you. You are the one that overwhelms his heart with just one glance of your eyes (Song 4:9b). You are the one he sings over with delight and longs to dance with across mountain tops and ballroom floors (Zeph. 3:17). You are the one who takes his breath away by your beautiful heart that, against all odds, hopes in him. Let that be true for a moment. Let it be true of you.”
-Captivating: A Guided Journal pg. 133
I became very overwhelmed by this paragraph. God wants me? I fill a part of him that no one else can ever fill? How can that be? God do you realize how many people are on this earth? How many people have been on the earth? How many people are not yet here on this earth? This is in the bible, and all these people have the same access to these same words.

I started asking God, “to be a woman and have your deepest desire to be wanted, needed, and loved, its crazy to think the King of Kings wants me. And just I just think he wants everyone, I'm not the only one. Watching what is going on with my parents its so frustrating to see that my mom is not the only one. So how does this make me feel that I am not the only one? I'm jealous of all the other children of God. Is this the part where God becomes the father? He loves us all like a dad, but loves us individually like a bridegroom?”

Continuing to dig into this chapter I come to learn that from the beginning of my life Jesus has been romancing me. He placed my favorite flower in front of my eyes when I needed a smile. He sent birds to sing to me as my alarm in elementary school. He placed promises in my heart for when I felt so alone and sad. So many little gifts that he only gave to me. He let the wind blow through my hair in the car and allow me to smile at the simple treasures in life that make my life so much greater. These little gifts along with others show how they were personalized to me and how he seeks out the desires of my heart.

This was such a simple lesson to me. Not so deep to move mountains, but really impacting to realize, and for the first time understand, that God is my bridegroom. He gives me kisses through his simple gifts to me. He paid the ultimate sacrifice for me, he was humiliated in front of so many people for me, and he died on the cross for me. This shows me that he is faithful and longs to be in a one-on-one relationship with me. He is not man that will cheat, lie, and manipulate. He is the most consistent relationship a woman can have, and he knows exactly how to make her feel like the only girl in the world.

A couple pages later I was no longer jealous of all the other women in the world. I felt a love for them. I want them to feel how I feel. I want them to know that they are captivating and beautiful and the perfect Man is right there in front of them. Every woman deserves to be longed for and wanted. Every woman should feel giddy, important and desired. Well my sisters, you are! You impact the King of Kings. You matter! Your life has purpose and weight, and Jesus wants you to receive his personal gifts from him. Only gifts that you can receive. I will never get the gifts that Gods sends to you. He wants to be silly with you and dance passionately across the mountain tops with YOU.

We have an awesome bridegroom.

xoxo